Our Final Exam

Tuesday night we headed to the hospital after putting the girls down at their Abuelo's. Liana didn't want us to leave and she was hard to put to sleep. Unsure if it was the chocolate with 80% cocoa that Abuelo gave her or the chocolate with 80% cocoa that Abuelo gave her. As the kid loves dark chocolate more so than the crappy Hershey's style. The only thing that saved us was she ran out of gas around 9pm and fell unconscious. But we did hear she was up at 4AM roaming the house (probably looking for more chocolate).

Our final exam prior to release is to spend the night with Alexandra in a room near the NICU and perform all of the duties as if we were at home. Not too difficult one may think. Neither of us were worried as we have done most of everything needed except give her medicine at specific intervals. We had a class earlier on Tuesday, when I had to leave work at 2 and race to the hospital to meet with the pharmacist, who explained all 5 medicines, when and how to give them. Which after a couple becomes overwhelming. 3 are given in the morning once a day. The other two are more complicated. One 30 minutes prior to a feeding and the other after a feeding. So we have a plan to create a matrix of when and how for each. All seems well.

Now we arrived with an hour before the midnight feeding. Our room was small, a typical hospital room just on the outer door of the NICU ward. All started well during the first feeding, until I had to add our portable monitor to Alexandra (on top of the hospital monitoring). Doing so allows us to learn and see if all is well. All you have to do is place the velcro strap under her arms and put the white lead under the right arm pit, equal to a nipple. Then the black lead under the left arm pit with the same distances. Ali had other intentions. She was grunting and getting pissed since she was naked, cold and hungry. It was like trying to put a rubber on a worm. OK, maybe I don't know what that's like but the kid was squirming, not allowing me to get the velcro strap in place. So we did our best and kick started the machine.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"HOLY SHIT TURN THAT THING OFF!"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"WHAT?!"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
OK, remember off = EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPress button 1, hold EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
hold button one, press button 2 BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
OK, SHIT,
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
PRESS and hold button one, then press button 2.
AHHHH
Silence.

Well almost, Alexandra was crying, floping like a fish out of water. The hospital monitor is ringing and flashing like popcorn on the screen. Hmmm, something wasn't right. Maybe the leads are not on properly. Yeah. Put that test on hold for now, until the headache and ear pain subside.

Alexandra ate like a champ then. 10 minutes later she finished the bottle and not a drop spilled. Must have been the adrenaline rush from the comotion. Just when 1 o'clock rolled around things started to get pretty hairy. Looking back I felt like a science experiment more so than Alexandra. Almost like the movie SAW, where someone had a plan to fuck with us as they could observe everything and change the conditions as needed:

Doctor 1: "Ahh, they are comfortable, put the air down to 70."
Doctor 2: "Ohh, good one. Wait until they both try to sleep on that little tiny bed together."
Nurse 1: "Sleep, you think those idiots are going to sleep. Huh, you two must not have kids."
Doctor 3: "Dis iz a test to zee if dey are able tu cope wid da stressss."
Nurse 1: "Lets fuck with the TV volume. Up, down, mute HIGH, more HIGH."
Doctor 1: "Yeah, look at the sleeping baby stir. Oh good that started an argument as usual."
Doctor 3: "Zumthin about TeeVee and Americuns. Got to hav it on. HAHAHAHAHAH. Little do dey know, it sucks and da volume neva stayz level."
Nurse 2: "Dat dusnt matta. They fools will keep da dam boob toob on all night anyhowz."
ALL: "AHHHH HAA HAAAAA"

And so we were tested as the temperature kept going down all night in the room. I love it cold. 65 degrees, no problem. Well shit the temp was so cold my hands were cold. Every time we touch Alexandra, she gave us a look like "Dam your hands are cold"

Doctor 1: "Now they will spend an hour of their sleep time looking for the thermostat. Goood. Gooood, no not there, or there, or their. Hey, look the bastard is checking behind the toilet. "
ALL: "AHHH HA HA HAAAAA. That's a new one!"
Doctor 3: "Zeems dey alwayz take more time trying to ged comfour tab bull."
Nurse 2: "No shit, dey think dis is a Holidayz inn. See dey evun axed us fu ma towelz."
ALL: "AH HA HAAA HAAA, like they can take a shower!"


One the second feeding, we were both tired, but awake. No thermostat could be found. None of the nurses knew a thing on how to control the temperature.

Nurse 2: "Lookz, dey tawking to da fifth girl dis howa. Damm if wonna doz bitches sayz anything Im ma gunna twist der tits off."
Nurse 1: "Don't worry, we removed the thermostat. It has one temperature. On, full fucking cold"
ALL: "AH HA HAAAAAA! Its like the desert. No one expects snow in the desert. HA HA HAHAHAHA"

The 3 am feeding was a bit harder. Jeanette was exhausted, cold and unable to pump milk to her satisfaction. So I took the feeding and I was able to reposition the leads for our monitor. Then came the fun part. I turned on the machine with a wince ....

nothing
not
a
sound

Hmm, was it on? YUP, working well.
That was a relief. Even Alexandra was not too upset with process. Not until I had to give her the medicine. Opened a check, squirted the liquid in.

"WAAA" The sound of why the hell did you surprise me with that shit."

Doctor 2: "Hmm, medicine and portable monitor both on, gotta mark those boxes off."
Nurse 2: "Damz dem"

We had to double wrap Alexandra and then cover her with two more blankets. Her temperature was going down each feeding. I think I got about an hour or less of sleep, sometime during the 3 to 4 am time. Then the 6 am feeding came. More medicines. Three at once.

Now, medicine A and B can go in with a squirt of milk.
No. Is that medicine C and A with milk and B before.
No. Crap, heart beat, breath in ... out. All functions getting harder. Cloudy.
Now back to the medicine puzzle.
Why couldn't this shit be like Tetris. I could play that all night, all day without error.
OK, medicine A and B in milk, then medicine C afterwards.
Ok, why did A+B turn the milk black.


Doctor 2: "Look, medicine time. Ahh. This is when they look puzzled and have issues. No sleep, but need to think."
Nurse 2: "Yep fool, da milk iza black az night. Drink dat bitch."
Doctor 1: "Maybe the child will spit it up ..."
Nurse 1: "Look at that, he only put a little milk in it. And she's drinking it before she can taste the vile substance."
Nurse 2: "Na UHH, da bitch did dunt. NAH UH, no wayz. Crap!"
Doctor 3: "Yezzz, marks thatdwon az well. All medz taken."
ALL: "Crap .... Heh, turn the temperature down."
Doctor 1: "Can't its already at 58"

So I shuddered under my poncho liner. The one thing I stole from the Marine Corps when I left. It is used to go under a poncho for cold weather rain, but we improvise and use it in the sleeping bags. In the desert the nights are usually in the 30's or lower, so having a layer take up space helps. And it's thermal, strong, but light. Very durable. Washed it more than anything I have ever owned and it's still in perfect condition. I layed on my 12 inches of space and Jeanette had the rest, at least 18 inches to move. At the 7am time, we pushed Ali on the new nurse, to get her the hell out. I would hate to see her get sick from that cold place. Even the nurses told us that it was the coldest ever.

Nurse 1: "Hey, look, he is putting a card in the suggestion box."
Doctor 1: "Hurry zoom in, see what it says."
Nurse 2: "Hmmmm .... Datz funny. Heza righten likz we redz da damm cardz."
Doctor 2: "Sooo, what does it say?"
Nurse 2: "Itza toooo fuckin cold. Putz in a therma, thermza, therda. A dam controlz."
ALL: "Ah HA HAHHAHAHAHAH."
Doctor 3: "Hmm. Deyz dunn all the things needed. Looks like a pasz."
Nurse 2: "Bitches."
Nurse 1: "Lets go eat breakfast and go home."
Doctor 1: "Yeah, we better get home and rest, we have another couple, but first Time parents."
Doctor 3: "Ahh, fresh meat ... mwa hahahahaha"
Nurse 2: "Heyz, Ima gunna putz dat fake temp cuntrol inz latta."
ALL: "AHAHAHAHAHA...yeah that will make things fun..."

Then on my way out to the car. I had a funny feeling. One where you think "Did I, or didn't I". Dam, did I put my name on that test?

Well we must have. Alexandra was released as of 5pm but we had to fly like Superman with two kids before 6 or then after 8pm. So I opted my own rules. We will come and get her on Thursday morning. When we could get a good, or even some sleep.